Mastering Tough Talks The one leadership skill you can't ignore

You've been there. That moment you step into the meeting room, and your heart sinks. The air is warm and stale with the morning's coffee still lingering, the hum of the fluorescent lights competing with the soft buzz of phone notifications. Laptops glow, fingers tap, eyes flit anywhere but toward you. With these small signs that scream disengagement, you can feel the tension in the air that seems heavier than it should. There's something important to discuss hanging in the space between people who should be leaning in but aren't. This is the moment for a 'big-win' conversation - the kind that could align the team, shift momentum, and unlock results - but first, you have to bring the room back to life. Having worked as a business psychologist and team coach for over two decades, I've discovered that there are two questions that can invigorate a languishing team. These are:

• What are you not discussing that you need to talk about?
• What do you always discuss but never resolve?

Unpacking these questions calls for the one leadership skill that is essential for every entrepreneur, leader and coach today: authentic dialogue. In this article we'll explore what authentic dialogue is, why it matters and how it works. Although it sounds simple it's not an easy capacity to cultivate. And yet, when a leader encourages and equips their team to strengthen this 'muscle', the benefits are bountiful, as we shall see.

What is authentic dialogue?
Entrepreneurs and leaders looking for more collaboration and co-creation often find that they hit a roadblock when using the traditional 'command- and-control' approach. When leaders issue directives from the head of the table or as host of the Zoom room, and expect compliance without question, communication is a one-way broadcast. It can be efficient for giving orders or a company-wide update, but lethal for engagement, innovation, and trust.

Authentic dialogue, by contrast, is a two-way exchange where leaders listen as intently as they speak. It's not about softening your stance or avoiding tough calls; it's about creating a space where people feel safe to voice ideas, surface concerns, and challenge assumptions without fear of backlash or humiliation. Instead of control being hoarded at the top, ownership is shared - and with it comes better collective thinking, stronger relationships, and decisions that stick. It is the very opposite of the old command-and-control playbook. In my book, Now We're Talking, I define authentic dialogue as: "A conversation that generates positive change by people listening and thinking together."

The positive change could be a new vision, resolved issue or novel solution. Authentic dialogue in one executive leadership team I worked with (where entering the meeting room matched the description at the start of this article), led to them acknowledging 'wins' that they hadn't fully seen or celebrated. When they took the time to discuss how they'd overcome the big challenges they'd faced during the past year, the atmosphere in the room became much more energised and upbeat. That buoyancy propelled them to talk and think together about the 'BHAG' (Big Hairy Audacious Goal) they wanted to achieve over the next year. Instead of staying stuck in the space of zoning-out, their authentic dialogue – where people agreed to 'say it as it is', listen fully and assume positive intent – brought a whole new vision and way forward that everyone was brought into.

Why authentic dialogue matters
Authentic dialogue goes against the grain of many corporate norms. It is, in reality, a rare occurrence. Much more common in teams and organisations are ritualised or reactive interactions, which rarely reveal any new ideas. Some teams are 'interminably nice' to one another, making them stay on the surface rather than speak about the heart of the matter. Other teams have circular conversations which go round and round in circles but never resolve anything. Some meetings are like a 'pressure cooker' where quick-fire responses are the norm rather than slowing down to explore more deeply.

Research has shown that about 60% of managers would like to increase their confidence to have a conversation about tough issues. An even higher proportion report avoidance: 70%. Surely something as seemingly insignificant as a conversation cannot cause so much consternation or serious consequences, but the evidence tells us otherwise.

Authentic dialogue matters if a team or Board wants to move forward. This might involve agreeing a unified vision, workforce strategy or risk appetite. When a team or Board stops avoiding (or botching) having these discussions, the benefits are legion. They resolve issues, make decisions, and identify actions to take forward. They also develop and deepen critical communication skills (speaking authentically, challenging effectively, listening deeply, and suspending judgement) which are then transferable to other contexts.

How authentic dialogue works
To create an environment in which an authentic dialogue can happen, set some ground rules. Agreeing these as a group at the start of a meeting or offsite creates a 'container' in which a more creative exchange can happen. In my experience, there are three key ground rules which bring authenticity, curiosity and spontaneity to the conversation. They are:

1. Use 'I' statements. When people slip into using 'you' ('you get fed up when meetings start late') or 'we' ('we're terrible at making decisions), dialogue loses juice. Invite people to speak from 'I' so that they 'own' what they say and bring their unique perspective ('I see X as our main priority.')
2. Welcome uncomfortable moments. When teams talk about what matters, it's likely that people' trigger' one another. Expanding tolerance for tension – even with this simple statement – makes room for curiosity. The deeper learning is often at the edge of our comfort zone.
3. Be present and listen fully. Dialogue cannot be scripted (unless it's for a play or a book.) A real conversation is a co-creation. It emerges in-the-moment. Acknowledging this reality sets expectations and brings a sense of spontaneity.

In addition, agreeing to have roughly equal airtime turns serial monologues into a dialogue. Conversational turn-taking is vital for a productive dialogue. A group that tolerates egocentric, blabby individuals will never do its best work. If you allow others to be habitually silent, the whole group misses out on their wisdom. Mastering tough talks isn't about having all the answers – it's about creating the conditions where the best answers can emerge. Authentic dialogue transforms meetings from stand-offs or box-ticking rituals into moments of alignment, breakthrough, and shared ownership. In a world where speed and pressure can tempt us back to command-and-control, the leaders who will thrive are those who slow down just enough to listen deeply and speak about what really matters. The next time you walk into a room where the air is thick with distraction, remember: the conversation you choose to have – and how you choose to have it – could be the spark that turns disengagement into decisive, collective action.