What's The Big Deal? It should be the first thing out of your ad's mouth.

Imagine trying to sell a Monet masterpiece by first touting theframe around the painting . . . or extolling a luxury car by firstpromoting its glove box. It sounds a little daft, but I'mexaggerating to make a point: Some companies still trumpet thesupporting advantages of their product before the big benefit.

That's what I point out to Patty and Ed Lonsbary ofGibsonia, Pennsylvania. The Lonsbarys run Private Motor Coach Inc.,a service that charters its custom-outfitted bus for luxury travel,both personal and corporate. While the slogan they currently use tohead their brochure-"Anywhere, Any time"-gets attentionand deserves play, it's not catchy enough to be the first thingprospects will notice.

My suggestion for the brochure's heading is, "TravelLike A Rock Star." This would be followed by a subhead thatexplains, "Tour in the unique luxury of a fully customizedmotor coach . . . any time, anywhere." After all, theLonsbarys are selling their bus as a kingly alternative to typicalfour-wheel travel. They've renovated the interior with couches,a bedroom, a bath, a shower, a kitchen and a lounge. The fact thatyou're able to travel in it "anywhere, any time" is aside benefit that most would consider a given anyway.

The unexpected headline will draw attention and at least getprospects to open the brochure. As with a store, if you can'tdraw them inside, they remain passersby and lost opportunities.

		Before This cover does catch the eye, but the big benefit of choosing thiskind of travel is missing. The headline offers a secondary benefit instead of the primaryone. It's a good subhead, but a "you" message instead of a"we/our" message would be more involving. After Here's a headline that immediately conveys how unique this formof travel can be. The subhead fulfills the headline's promise, while alsoincluding the company's current slogan. This cover keeps the same photo but grabs you with an unexpectedheadline.

Jerry Fisher is a freelance advertising copywriter in the SanFrancisco Bay area and author of Creating Successful SmallBusiness Advertising (available through Bookmasters,800-247-6553). If you'd like Jerry to consider your materialsfor a makeover in this column, write to him c/o Entrepreneur ore-mail him at jerry228@aol.com.

Contact Source

• Private Motor Coach Inc., (412) 486-6600, www.privatemotorcoach.com